Lights, Camera, Action

We are holding auditions for actors who will play us in a movie.
Only apply if you have skill and experience in/with the following areas/things:

Baby-Sitting (Artists and Otherwise)
Smiling (fake and genuine)
Working all the Time
Taking the subway for Two and a Half Hours a Day.....Every Day! For Years
or
Waiting in Bad Traffic both ways to and from work while you waste gas
Loving America
Hating America
Loving America Again
LovingCanada
Hating the Prime Minister
Loving Canada Some more
Failing to get the Grants you Applied for to make you CD
Failing to get any Grants
Applying for Passports
Applying for Driver's License
Applying for Welfare
Being Broke-Ass While You Make Art
Moving Home to Mom's
Practicing Your Ass off All the Time
Having to Get Yet Another "Real" Job
Riding the Subway For Two and aHalf Hours Every Day.....AGAIN!
Eating Out for Lunch everyday
Finding Healthy Food to Eat While Out
Settling on Subs Over and Over Again
Making Packages
Delivering Packages
Having Big Packages
Postering/Flyering
Limo Riding with Girls
Concert Band
Stage Band/Big Band/Jazz Trio
Competition in Above
Orchestral Tympanist/Tubular Bell Playing
Xylophone/Marimba Acrobatics
Drum Corp Marching/ Baton Wielding/Spinning
Gong Bowing/ Striking in the Swiss method
Ice Hockey at a Fast and Violent Pace
Lohan Hands Shaolin Kung-Fu
Wing Chun
Tai-CHi
Qi-Qong
Judo
Tae Kwon Do
French Cuisine
Italian Cusine
New York Style Deli
Bartending/Bussing
Set Decoration/Art Dpt.
Shoe Sales (Chinese Employer Only)
Running From Skinheads/Neo-Nazis Through Farm Fields/Suburban Areas
Free Jazz Drumming
Expensive Jazz Drumming
Jamming
Drum Teching For Terry Bozzio, Building His Kit for Three Hours......
Comedic Acting
Krya Yoga
Ashtanga Yoga
Hatha Yoga
Buddhism
Hinduism
Islam
Christianity
Judaism
Daoism
Ryssian Breathing Methods
Systema (Russian Martial Arts)
Tap Dancing
Modern Dance
Ballet
Falling In With the Wrong Crowd
Hanging Out with Above Too Much (minimum two years experience with:)
Cocaine (smoked/snorted)
Heroin (smoked/snorted)
LSD/LSA (Liquid or Blotter)
PCP (paste)
GHB
2CB
Ketamine
MDMA (pure and laced with other things)
Psylocibin Mushrooms (from all corners of the globe)
Amnita Muscaria
THC (Weed, Hashish, Hash Oil, Hippie Crack)
Performing Live on (any/all) the above
Performed with Evren on Any/All of the Above
Coffee
Tea (Black, Green, White)
Weight Training
Running/Jogging/Walking
Rowing/Rock Climbing/Cliff Jumping
Biking/Hiking/Oasis Diving
Water-Skiing/Skiing/Snowboarding
Fishing/Ice Fishing
Smoking Tobacco (all forms)
Chewing Tobacco (cherry or otherwise)
Snorting Tobacco (snuff)
Drinking Straight: Vodka
Whiskey
Rum
Absynth
Jagermeister
All Beers (including obscure Thai beers)
Moonshine
Writing Poetry
Drawing
Painting
Sculpting
Architecture
Math
Fractal Geometry
Engineering
Chemistry
Forensic Psychology
Brotherhood (Big Only)
Hot Sauce Consumption Hip Hop
Gangta Rap
Female Singer Songwriter Backing
Big Boobie Grabbing (fake and genuine)
Gangbanging (on XBOX360)
Dealin'
Wheelin'
Ballin'
Shot Callin'
Brawlin'
Chillin'
Illin'
and COD4 killin'

Putting up with crap from customers at the local music store where you work so they can play their shitty music at some dump later that evening to brain-less morons paying $5 for cover.
(You get what you pay for)

Art Appreciation
Music Appreciation
Music Critiquing/Non-Appreciation
Music Mocking
Fast Talking
Shocking the Public
Shopping at Holt's
Shopping at Goodwill
Getting Married
Doin' it
Teaching
Preaching
Reaching
Breaching
Swagging
Bragging
Dragging (c'mon Queens)

Glowing in the Dark
Glowing in the Light
Eating pizza every day for six months
Having Stinkfoot (and dealing with the odours of said foot odour so the wife can deal with you)
Listening to "Stinkfoot" by Frank Zappa

Trying to Convince People that You Are Going to "Make It"
Convincing Yourself of Above

Being Human
Making Mistakes
Being More Human Than Human
Being Inhumane
Being Insane
Predicting the death of Kurt Cobain (when he went missing)
Not Even Liking Nirvana (until doing drugs late in life), Not Even aTiny Bit...
LOVING PRIMUS !!!!!!!
Having Master Drumming Class with Bill Bruford, Billy Cobham, Roy Haynes
Royal Conservatory Piano (all grades)

Getting dressed up like freaks to play music
Being Compared to Blue Man Group (even though they sit when they pee, and we have HUNKS of them in our stool, and there is only two of us, anf they need a backing band, amd they are not even scary at all, and my little sister drums better, and she is only tiny) when clearly there are only two of us...... no copies.

also.........

Watching Every Episode of "The Two Coreys" and "Gene Simmons Family Jewels"
Psst, got any "Soma"?
Meeting Gene Simmons
Watching your Wife Dancing with Gene Simmons
Getting Poked in the Eye By Gene While He Attemps to Place His Sunglasses on Your Head

As well as those qualifications, you must be easy going, charming, witty, and hilarious all the time.
Over 5' 10"-under 6' 2"

Fit, Fun and Fabulous!

Please forward your package to :

D&BNB: The Movie
c/o Carolina Bassett C.S.A.
10439 Studio Park Drive
Van Nuys, CA USA
90341

Our people will be in touch with you if you are being considered.

Thanks you,

Dynamo and BadNut